Wednesday, March 22, 2017

On The Outside Looking In

Often in a group situation, I find everybody is talking to everybody else, and I'm frequently not included in the conversations going on.  This causes me to feel deeply lonely.

I am aware that I'm an introvert, but I'm not especially shy.  I can strike up a conversation with a stranger and, while this stranger and I are not destined to become great friends, I usually leave the conversation feeling good because we've talked about a common interest, or I've shown sympathy, or there's been some other positive interaction.

But in the groups I meet with often, I don't understand why I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  The people I think of as my friends don't think of me when they want to get together outside of the group situation.  I don't get it.  Why am I there?  They're all nice people, and they all seem to like me, but I am not sought out for other social occasions.

One of my high school acquaintances once told me that I was "different from other people."  I still have no idea what she meant.

I usually carry on as if I'm perfectly comfortable, but I always wonder what they really think of me.

I've lived most of my life with low self-esteem.  I can look back and see why that was, though I don't plan to go into it in this post.  It's only in the last decade or so that I have learned to appreciate myself.

A former boss told me that I intimidate people; I don't understand that.  An acquaintance referred to me as a "braniac," but I don't really get that either.  Am I that off-putting?

I wish I knew what to do.

I found this anonymous quote that seems to fit everyone -- except me.  If I disappeared off the face of the Earth, I don't  know that anyone would actually notice.

I realize this all sounds like I'm depressed, but I'm not.  I've been depressed, and this ain't it.  I guess I just want someone to show me they actually care.