Saturday, August 15, 2015

Shit I Won’t Have To Put Up With When I’m Retired

A Happy Place
When I started my first job -- 48 years ago! -- retirement was not even on my radar.  And now that it's so close, I can't wait!  People ask me, "What are you going to do when you retire?" and my answer is, "Not Work!!"  I have started a list of other stuff I want to do, and it's already into a third page -- and growing!

I've put up with a lot of crap in my working life, as most people have, and frankly I'm sick of it.  Writing this list has been satisfyingly cathartic.  It's actually a companion piece to my previous post on crushing morale in the workplace (the post is titled, "Ah! The Working Life").

Here's the list.  The items are in no particular order.  Sorry it's so long, but I had a lot on my mind.

People telling me what to do!  About the time you start walking, people start telling you what to do.  And they don’t stop until you’re dead.  After I’m retired, if someone wants to tell me what to do, I will politely, or not, encourage them to stick it in their ear.  Or some other orifice.

Me telling other people what to do.  Dammit!  I don’t need to be keeping up with what everybody else is doing, and telling them what and when to do it. 

Putting out fires.  One stupid little thing at work can lead to several different people having freaking meltdowns!  Holy freakin’ cow!  Get ahold of yourself you dumbfucks!  The world is not coming to an end.

Bosses (similar to #1, but more sinister).  

Mansplaining!  Oh. My. God!  If one more man tries to ‘splain anything to me, I may just go postal.  I know perfectly well what percentile my IQ falls into, and I don’t need some condescending, male-chauvinist-pig person telling me how things are! 

Other people’s shit.  I have enough baggage of my own.  Just keep your crap to yourself.  It ain’t my job to solve your problems.

Workplace snobs!  People who think that extra academic degree they have somehow makes them better than me.  There was this one person, back in the 70s and 80s who was like that.  And then someone pointed out that his initials were BVD.  You know, like the underwear brand?  After that his superior attitude didn’t bother me much.  He hated to be wrong, and he especially hated to be corrected by someone who was a) less educated, and b) female.  Asshole.  But there were things I knew that he didn’t.

Butt-headed administrators!  Or just administrators.  Adding “butt-headed” to it is just redundant. 

My alarm clock going off every morning at the ungodly hour it currently goes off each day!

Meetings.  I have always found most meetings to be a colossal waste of my time, and they almost never accomplish anything.

Being a go-between.  Unless you are related to me, by blood, work out your own damn problems with other people.  I will not smooth out your feathers or the feathers of anyone you have differences with!

People who know absolutely nothing about what my job entails telling me how to do my job!!  Seriously, do you also tell your dentist how to fill teeth?  Do you tell your surgeon how to take out your gallbladder?  And since you’re missing that gallbladder, where the hell do you get the gall to tell me how to do my job?!?!  Just shut the fuck up!

"Why do you need a master’s degree to be a librarian?"  Why are you such a fucking idiot?  Tell me, smartass, how do you catalog a damn book!  What’s involved in a reference interview?  What IS a reference interview?  What’s the purpose of a reference interview?  Explain the logic behind the Library of Congress Classification System.  How do you apply it?  How do you formulate a Boolean search statement?  Why do you do it that way?  What’s a shelf list?  I could go on, but if you haven’t figured out just how woefully stupid your ass is by now, you’re worse off than I thought.

Workplace bullies.  These are the people who are in positions higher on the totem pole than yours.  You do your job to the best of your ability and knowledge, and yet, these bullies, and that’s exactly what they are: bullies, are twisting things around (mostly in their own minds), maligning your integrity, calling you and your co-workers liars, and just generally being fucking assholes.  Well, Bully, if that’s how you get your jollies, fine; just leave me out of it and go screw your own damn self, because you’re not worthy of scraping shit off a dead animal’s ass.  


Now I need another nice picture.  How about you?


Bridget said...

You are soooooooo lucky to be retiring - and also to get rid of all this stupid stuff.

Retirement for me is only a dream, sadly. So you'll have to enjoy yours for me as well. :-)

Paige Cummings said...

So, how is retirement going so far?


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