Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Things I'll Probably Never Do

1.  Enter a competitive-eating contest.  Eating that much food in such a short period of time just can't be good for you.  They hardly even chew!  And it looks kind of gross anyway.

2.  Run in a marathon.  Let's get real here.  I'm an old fart who's been essentially sedentary most of my adult life.  The farthest I've ever run is a half mile.  I have actually done active things, like playing tennis, horseback riding, hiking, building sets for plays; you know, fun stuff.  I've also had accidents and if I didn't know me better, I'd think I was clumsy, but I'm really not.  But now it's the old part that holds me back.  I know that active people older than me have trained and done it, but for me it's so far outside the realm of probability it's not even on the chart any more.

3.  Take up boxing.  Boxing involves hitting people and I almost never want to hit anyone.

4.  Win the lottery.  The odds against winning are astronomical, and no matter how many tickets you buy, the odds never get more favorable.

5.  Climb Mt. Everest.  Well, first of all, it involves climbing; then there's the freezing coldness, the wind, the fact that you have to camp in that cold, the gazillion layers of clothing you have to wear, the freezing cold, the stuff you have to carry, the cost, the freezing cold, etc.

6.  Sing in public.  I can't sing (although a friend of mine, a musician, once told me that anybody could sing; he apparently never heard me).  When I do break into song, the cats look at me as if I've gone round the bend and they look frightened.  I sing flat, off key, and I have no breath control.  It's a kindness on my part that I do not sing when other humans can hear me.

7.  Walk a tightrope or swing on a trapeze.  I don't have a death wish.

8.  Give my cat a bath.  See #7.

9.  Drive in a NASCAR race.  Aside from the occasional crash and burn, driving around in a circle could get boring.  I don't know how they do it.  It also involves a car with no functioning doors, fireproof suits, crash helmets, amazing speed, heat, noise, driving too close for comfort, and other dangerous stuff.  I'm a chicken.

10.  Own a restaurant.  I like to cook, sometimes (mostly I like to bake), but I don't have a passion for it.  I also don't have a passion for owning my own business.  The accounting part would kill me.  And then there's the fact that I have retirement in the cross-hairs.  I've been in the work force since 1967 and I'm ready to quit.

11.  Wrestle an alligator.  Alligators have teeth, and extremely strong jaws, and they live in swamps, and they're just downright scary.  I saw some testy alligators at the National Zoo in Washington, DC.  They were snapping and growling at each other.  Maybe they hadn't been fed yet.

12. Sky dive.  The idea of jumping out of an airplane, on purpose, into thin air just gives me the willies.  I'm okay with the flying part, especially in small planes, but I want to stay in the plane until after a nice safe landing. 

Okay, that's enough.  I tried to stay away from things that might be misconstrued as tempting fate.  I try never to take things for granted because I know circumstances can change without warning. 

Take care and have a good day.


Genie Smith Bernstein said...

I concur on every point, with double emphasis on 6, since the part I was given in the church choir was "listener!

Janice Pulliam said...

For me, add bungie jumping. But I would like to go up in a hot air balloon once.xest

TheUnSoccerMom said...

I'm w/ ya on everyone except #6, I've already done that. :o)

I'd love to be able to run a marathon, but I just don't see it happening... ;o)

Anonymous said...

Wow - this is my list, too. Except, I must admit, I have washed a cat. Extreme circumstances, not for fun.